Pairing the Verrazzano? Cars disabled by airlift? 12 Crazy Ways To Fix Traffic On The Staten Island Expressway (Review)
STATEN ISLAND, NY – Traffic can be hell on the Staten Island Expressway.
We all know that. It’s like the weather: everyone talks about it, but nobody does anything about it.
Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Forget to think outside the box. Correcting the traffic on the EIS is such a huge task, we have to act as if there is no box at all.
And since this is actually a regional issue, we’ll have to look at other roads in the region as well. It’s a whole large ecosystem of traffic that we are dealing with.
Here are 12 crazy (and maybe not-so-crazy) ways to fix freeway traffic that Staten Islanders love to hate.
Double-bridge the Gowanus highway
Much of the morning rush hour traffic on the eastbound EIS is the result of push-back traffic from the Gowanus. So do more Gowanus. Build another causeway bridge. You will probably have to do the same on the SIE for this to really work. Hey, it’s only going to cost a few billion dollars.
Transporting disabled cars by airlift off highways
This goes for the Gowanus, the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway and the SIE. A little fender-bender in Brooklyn or Queens and the geometric chain reaction effect causes traffic to stop in Annadale. Get those broken down cars off the road! Maybe helicopters with those giant magnets like you see in auto salvage yards?
Twin the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge
People use the Verrazzano to travel to Brooklyn, Queens and Long Island as well as Manhattan. It’s two different directions. So let’s build a Verrazzano twin that goes right over the Narrows to Belt Parkway. Or, to save a few cents, let’s build an extension of the existing bridge to carry traffic directly east. It might work.
Flatten the raised parts of the EIS
I think of the notoriously hilly area near Bradley Avenue. This slope slows down trucks on both sides of the highway. Slow trucks lead to traffic slowdowns for the rest of us. Let’s explode these areas! Level the ground! Make the driving surface as flat as possible. The trucks won’t have to struggle and neither will we.
Prohibit SIE trucks
It’s probably impossible, I know. And that would likely only drive more cars to take up all the newly available driving space. But nothing should be ruled out when it comes to tackling the SIE traffic monster.
It would be a beast to apply, but require each car to have at least two or three passengers on board. We could offer a discount on tolls as an incentive. A big drawback: it could cause private motorists to take passengers for a fee. Which, yes, could actually increase the number of cars on the road.
Build this HOV-only lane to the Goethals Bridge
We’re not kidding with this one. It is an easy, reasonable and inexpensive way to reduce congestion on the freeway. Why the state will not do it is incomprehensible. Completing the HOV lane would eliminate the bottleneck that forms when westbound HOV drivers find themselves in traffic past Victory Boulevard. If the state leaves the track as it is, it might as well allow anyone to use it, regardless of how many people are in the car.
Limit on the number of cars authorized per household
It would spark a new secession movement and possibly armed conflict (just kidding on that last part). But multi-car homes are a big part of the borough’s overall traffic problem. We are a Isle. Our space is limited. We cannot continue to block cars on already overcrowded roads. We’re already at 10 pounds of bullshit in a five-pound bag.
Make Bradley Avenue ‘exit-only’ lane a real lane of traffic
Westbound drivers use it that way anyway, so why not make it official? Allow cars to enter and exit the lane more smoothly and safely.
Turn all highway shoulders into traffic lanes
With large-magnet helicopters cleaning up wrecks, we no longer need salvage lanes. And, again, people are already using the shoulders as travel routes anyway. We might as well make it as secure as possible.
Increase highway speed limit to 70 mph
Faster speed will get people to their destinations faster and clear the freeway. Law?
Prohibit all future development on Staten Island
No more houses. No more apartment buildings. That’s it. It’s our people. Without new development, people and their multiple cars will not come here from other areas.